Chapter Three

I have completely come to the bottom of this, and I have realized I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I can't figure it out; yes friends make me happy and hanging out and everything. But I really need more, not trying to be selfish here but honestly I do, I can't figure it out. Who will make me happy? What decision will be the best or even if it's going to be worth the pain that you cause me. I put up with so much, I help you with your problems and when you're sad. I'm here every second of your life, but it seems that it just doesn't even matter if I was here or not. If I just disappeared one night. Never told you I was leaving if that would even because the tinniest bit of pain for you or if you'd just move the next girl up on your top and start calling her. Who even knows anymore, if this is all worth my time? I'd like to think it is because i'm putting so much in to this. Dealing with girls and guys and everything and just sticking to it but then I think...i'm not getting anything back. It's like i'm just giving and giving and not getting one thing back. And I just don't understand if it's really worth the tears that I cry at night or waking up in the morning thinking about what happened last night. And how sad I felt hearing what she said or what you told her. I find out a lot, I can find it threw anyone and everyone. It's just not fair. Yes I know that in my past I have screwed up royally but, really? Do I deserve thinks I personally think no one does? Getting such hatrated from one fucking girl, for what? Helping you, making you happy, being here and not arguing. Well trying no to. I just don't think I can deal with it anymore. Like really. I'm waiting for a dream, which will never come true, just wishing on a star that was really an airplane. It's like I woke up one day and actually thought it was going to be better then the last, but really we all know in my life it keeps going down.We all know it and no one can anything about it; all you try to do to cheer me up by saying, "don't worry it can't get any worse." But what the fuck do you know. NOTHING! Exactly so stop trying to talk to me and tell me everything will be ok, because really it won't unless I just find one person that will stay with me forever. Like really someone that I know I can just run to for anything and no they won't just be like everything will be ok, they will spend the night with me and make sure i'm safe and won't do something I will regret later on in life. Like just fuck, I know i'm going to get fucked over in the end and I'll be the one that's stuck in the hole.