Chapter One

Do you know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel like your about to be sick and all the shock from the blood rushing through is aching in you. Have you ever gotten that ? Well I have it right now. I feel like my stomach is bleeding and theres a knife being shoved threw me in and out, in and out. Like this peircing feeling is never going to go away. I get it everyday now.It's like a re-occuring dream. I'm not quiet sure why I get this feeling if it's just nerves, or sickness. But for some reason I dont think it is. I get this feeling when I sit in my room listening to my music so loud because I'm trying to block out everthing that is occuring at that very moment. I sit here and ponder about what is going to happen to me in 5 mins, 3 days, 7 months ,15 years if anything. Am I still going to be the same person I am right now. Will I be caring and loving or will I be one of those people that are very anti-social and just give up and no longer care if the world is still turning and if there are still living creatures on this planet we call "earth." Will I find that someone that fills that part in me that I feel like is empty every morning, that I wake up and pry my eyes open just to think "Oh great, another day in these shoes. The shoes that I no longer want to be in. A person that makes decisions that I don't like that are made." I know, I know it's good to make bad choices in life because they make you who you are. But these days I dont like the choices I have made the person i have become. im losing people and i dont even care like what kindof zombie am i. i no longer care and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I seem to keep doing the stuff I promised people I won't do. I keep saying I won't care anymore but that moment I cross the line into my bedroom I break down. I fall to the floor crawl up in a ball and cry my eyes out until i feel like throwing up. Is that healthy? I don't seem to think so, but maybe it's a good thing I hide myself from everyone. Maybe they wouldn't like the true me? Maybe they wouldn't understand me? Or my feelings and my goals! Maybe no one would even care if I was breathing still, if I showed the true me. Over the last year I have made a choice in my life that was the worst thing to make because it tore my family apart. It tore my friends apart and the thing it tore the most was me. I made that choice and I can't go back on it. I wish I never did it, I wish I waited for the one person I loved. I did love someone at the time, I still do love them but I'm no longer in love with them. I made my move on someone else and screwed everything up. Was it really something bad to do? Or did it give me a dose of reality. Now I entered a new school, new people, new teachers, new enimies, new best friends, new aqauntinces. But really does anyone like me? or is it all fake and a lie. My life is filled with "I love you's", sluts, and skanks, "I hate you's" and grow up, act your age. Really, I don't care what you have to say to me or about me. Because you whisper about me when I pass you in the halls, but really what do you think is being said about you once I turn the corner, ever thought about that? Doubt it. Because you think you are little miss fucking perfect. Seriously?! Get over yourself. No one is perfect until you prove to me you can walk on fucking water. Get it now? Doubt it. No one will ever get it. There's not one person that can tell me the meaning of life or the meaning of the breath that I take. Wasting a life here on earth when there could be a beautiful baby being born taking my place. So why am I still here? Why did god choose me to stay? I wish I knew because right now it seems like there is really no reason. I'm a girl that wears that fake smile that you all love. The giggle that makes you laugh. But really, I'm a fake. I have been faking who I am until now. I have slowly started to show the true me. I'm going to listen to my loud music to block out your voice and opinions. I'm going to ignore the ones that no longer matter. I'm going to stick to my best friends the ones that have made me realize something. I'm not a preppy bitch. The one I once was when I entered school this year. And I know it's half way through this school year. Now semester 2 and I have finally figured it all out. I'm coming clean to everyone; I'm going to slowly be letting you all know what I think of you and where you stand in my life. But for now, all we can do is wait for chapter two.