Old Memories, ha

I remember when...
Our whole family went on a trip up to Colorado and one night me and you spent basically hours just ballroom dancing in their living room! And i still have those pictures of us with the weirdest faces.

Or when...
We would fight over who could wear grandma's ugly glitter heals, or who could wear the blonde wig. Dance infront of your bedroom mirror with the lights off and that cheap disco ball; dressed up in as many clothes as we could find and waddle across the street and claim to be little old ladies. Make haunted houses with tunnels everywhere.

Stories you tell like..
You told your mom your new name was Jasmint. Because you thought the character from Aladin was Jasmint, but it was really Jasmine. And you were going to get your hair cut and they said Lindy, and you screamed 'mom my names JASMINT!!'
--
At Marianne's house, Sarah was reading us a book called everyone poops. All the kids in the house gathered round the couch in the basment, while i just hung low, sitting back in the chair as she tried to show me the pictures. When in the end, the mole had poop on his head and i bursted into tears. I made them stop reading the book.
I miss her so much.

I'm ready to combust

Look into my father's eyes, you'll see the hate I feel crawling down my back, that hate comes every day. What can you do? Why should you care? You don't and that's my point. Why should I even live, nobody even fucking cares. So honestly I don't care, I can live with nothing, watch me. I don't need anybody to love. I'm just trying to get by without completely combusting, will anybody saveme.

Unfortunate

I don't think people come to realize what's right infront of them. Wheather it's happiness, love, optimism, peace or paradise. I've always come to find myself gripping onto that pain so tight, that I'm not sure how to let go anymore. That one condition where only one person can get me out of it, myself. I try to be true, set goals for my far future, and let life take me in what ever direction desires. I always seem to fall into a place I'm not ment to be, where this terrible disaster occurs. Like somebody has to trigger the alarm, because, Earth to God, Veronica's found peace. Maybe I'm giving myself a hard time by letting things push through the seam, I lack the concern. And it just so seems that I've given up.

Without You

hear the ocean waves. let me hear myself for you. its the motion of my fingers, ask my voice. when i close my eyes i know i'm dreaming of you. let me know i close my eyes. i wouln't be here if it weren't for you. i know i'm dreamin' of you, but my hearts so cold, and these tears are real. the sky is breathing on your skin. motion of the clouds, they set the mood. listen to the beat as i fades. the farther that we all go. the shadows are my thoughts. you can see it all right through me. the birds flying around our heads. it always brings you back to the beginning. the bottom of it all. seal your lips with a thousand lies, a thousand secrets. your in your own world now. you fall, you crawl. your pouring out all youve got, but they dont accept it, they don't care. gripping the pain, this making melody. it's bursting out of me, we aren't alone we are never alone. what's it take to live again. can you see behind this shadow? see right through the pain in my eyes. i'm pouring out my heart. i won't forget you, i can never forget you. my hearts' sinking, all the time passes. all my pain, all the shame. it becomes a blurr. i can't pretend to; take the steps, run a little, burn the memories from your mind. your falling, bringing you to the bottom of it all. giving a speechless stare of the secret life. a life nobody knows of. letting out a single tear, becoming a breakown. you feel the liqid pouring from your eyes, down your face. May 28th, 2008

Quote

This bridge was written to make you feel smittener, with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer. Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy? I didn't think so but I'm still convinceable. Will you persist even after I bet you a billion dollars that I'll never love you. Will you persist even after I kiss you goodbye for the last time. Will you keep on trying to prove it? I'm dying to lose it. I want it, I want you. And if I had a star to wish on for my life I can't imagine I could do it.

Chapter Three

I have completely come to the bottom of this, and I have realized I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I can't figure it out; yes friends make me happy and hanging out and everything. But I really need more, not trying to be selfish here but honestly I do, I can't figure it out. Who will make me happy? What decision will be the best or even if it's going to be worth the pain that you cause me. I put up with so much, I help you with your problems and when you're sad. I'm here every second of your life, but it seems that it just doesn't even matter if I was here or not. If I just disappeared one night. Never told you I was leaving if that would even because the tinniest bit of pain for you or if you'd just move the next girl up on your top and start calling her. Who even knows anymore, if this is all worth my time? I'd like to think it is because i'm putting so much in to this. Dealing with girls and guys and everything and just sticking to it but then I think...i'm not getting anything back. It's like i'm just giving and giving and not getting one thing back. And I just don't understand if it's really worth the tears that I cry at night or waking up in the morning thinking about what happened last night. And how sad I felt hearing what she said or what you told her. I find out a lot, I can find it threw anyone and everyone. It's just not fair. Yes I know that in my past I have screwed up royally but, really? Do I deserve thinks I personally think no one does? Getting such hatrated from one fucking girl, for what? Helping you, making you happy, being here and not arguing. Well trying no to. I just don't think I can deal with it anymore. Like really. I'm waiting for a dream, which will never come true, just wishing on a star that was really an airplane. It's like I woke up one day and actually thought it was going to be better then the last, but really we all know in my life it keeps going down.We all know it and no one can anything about it; all you try to do to cheer me up by saying, "don't worry it can't get any worse." But what the fuck do you know. NOTHING! Exactly so stop trying to talk to me and tell me everything will be ok, because really it won't unless I just find one person that will stay with me forever. Like really someone that I know I can just run to for anything and no they won't just be like everything will be ok, they will spend the night with me and make sure i'm safe and won't do something I will regret later on in life. Like just fuck, I know i'm going to get fucked over in the end and I'll be the one that's stuck in the hole.

Chapter Two

"I like you. I want to be with you forever. I love you. I'm falling in love with you. I have never met anyone like you before. You're my everything. You mean the world to me. Never leave me, baby." SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously, you're full of shit! I'm sure every girl has heard those words or something close to it, before. Everyone has but seriously, it has hit me hard this time. This blog isn't meant for any boy in specific in my life. Because it's really meant for all. I have had two, what you want to call serious? relationships; but there was only really one that I thought would last a life time. I always have mixed feeling with guys because they can give you vibes that you think they really like you. But all they want is action, to get in your pants.I'm so done with you unless you prove to me that you're worth my time.I'm the kind of girl to give a guy a second chance. And after the fifth chance? I've already fallen to bits, and I'm holding onto what I can. What more can you do. But I've come down to realization. I'm not doing it anymore. I've given up all that I've built. And you can take advantage of everything I have, steal everything I own, and hurt everyone that claims to care. I'm not taking care of things that I should, and I'm sorry to admit to you and myself that things aren't what they seem. You can look at me and see somebody completely unreal. I'll hide everything. I will; I am.So let's walk away from everything that's happened, and move on. Don't ever give a boy everything you've got because you will never get it back, as much as you'd like to think. So ladies, understand this like a boy, but don't love until you're ready. And you know he is because, one day it can be gone in a second. No matter what a guy tells you, he'll most likely be lying. He can stretch the truth to make you think he's telling you the utter truth, but in reality.. no. "We should end this now before it gets to serious. I think we are fighting too much. I'm still in love with my ex. I don't love you. I think you have an obsession. It's not you, it's me. I think we need to end this, the fighting is too much. This whole long distnace thing isn't working out." That shit is the only thing he's got to say to you? Are you kidding!

Chapter One

Do you know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel like your about to be sick and all the shock from the blood rushing through is aching in you. Have you ever gotten that ? Well I have it right now. I feel like my stomach is bleeding and theres a knife being shoved threw me in and out, in and out. Like this peircing feeling is never going to go away. I get it everyday now.It's like a re-occuring dream. I'm not quiet sure why I get this feeling if it's just nerves, or sickness. But for some reason I dont think it is. I get this feeling when I sit in my room listening to my music so loud because I'm trying to block out everthing that is occuring at that very moment. I sit here and ponder about what is going to happen to me in 5 mins, 3 days, 7 months ,15 years if anything. Am I still going to be the same person I am right now. Will I be caring and loving or will I be one of those people that are very anti-social and just give up and no longer care if the world is still turning and if there are still living creatures on this planet we call "earth." Will I find that someone that fills that part in me that I feel like is empty every morning, that I wake up and pry my eyes open just to think "Oh great, another day in these shoes. The shoes that I no longer want to be in. A person that makes decisions that I don't like that are made." I know, I know it's good to make bad choices in life because they make you who you are. But these days I dont like the choices I have made the person i have become. im losing people and i dont even care like what kindof zombie am i. i no longer care and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I seem to keep doing the stuff I promised people I won't do. I keep saying I won't care anymore but that moment I cross the line into my bedroom I break down. I fall to the floor crawl up in a ball and cry my eyes out until i feel like throwing up. Is that healthy? I don't seem to think so, but maybe it's a good thing I hide myself from everyone. Maybe they wouldn't like the true me? Maybe they wouldn't understand me? Or my feelings and my goals! Maybe no one would even care if I was breathing still, if I showed the true me. Over the last year I have made a choice in my life that was the worst thing to make because it tore my family apart. It tore my friends apart and the thing it tore the most was me. I made that choice and I can't go back on it. I wish I never did it, I wish I waited for the one person I loved. I did love someone at the time, I still do love them but I'm no longer in love with them. I made my move on someone else and screwed everything up. Was it really something bad to do? Or did it give me a dose of reality. Now I entered a new school, new people, new teachers, new enimies, new best friends, new aqauntinces. But really does anyone like me? or is it all fake and a lie. My life is filled with "I love you's", sluts, and skanks, "I hate you's" and grow up, act your age. Really, I don't care what you have to say to me or about me. Because you whisper about me when I pass you in the halls, but really what do you think is being said about you once I turn the corner, ever thought about that? Doubt it. Because you think you are little miss fucking perfect. Seriously?! Get over yourself. No one is perfect until you prove to me you can walk on fucking water. Get it now? Doubt it. No one will ever get it. There's not one person that can tell me the meaning of life or the meaning of the breath that I take. Wasting a life here on earth when there could be a beautiful baby being born taking my place. So why am I still here? Why did god choose me to stay? I wish I knew because right now it seems like there is really no reason. I'm a girl that wears that fake smile that you all love. The giggle that makes you laugh. But really, I'm a fake. I have been faking who I am until now. I have slowly started to show the true me. I'm going to listen to my loud music to block out your voice and opinions. I'm going to ignore the ones that no longer matter. I'm going to stick to my best friends the ones that have made me realize something. I'm not a preppy bitch. The one I once was when I entered school this year. And I know it's half way through this school year. Now semester 2 and I have finally figured it all out. I'm coming clean to everyone; I'm going to slowly be letting you all know what I think of you and where you stand in my life. But for now, all we can do is wait for chapter two.