Old Memories, ha

I remember when...
Our whole family went on a trip up to Colorado and one night me and you spent basically hours just ballroom dancing in their living room! And i still have those pictures of us with the weirdest faces.

Or when...
We would fight over who could wear grandma's ugly glitter heals, or who could wear the blonde wig. Dance infront of your bedroom mirror with the lights off and that cheap disco ball; dressed up in as many clothes as we could find and waddle across the street and claim to be little old ladies. Make haunted houses with tunnels everywhere.

Stories you tell like..
You told your mom your new name was Jasmint. Because you thought the character from Aladin was Jasmint, but it was really Jasmine. And you were going to get your hair cut and they said Lindy, and you screamed 'mom my names JASMINT!!'
--
At Marianne's house, Sarah was reading us a book called everyone poops. All the kids in the house gathered round the couch in the basment, while i just hung low, sitting back in the chair as she tried to show me the pictures. When in the end, the mole had poop on his head and i bursted into tears. I made them stop reading the book.
I miss her so much.

I'm ready to combust

Look into my father's eyes, you'll see the hate I feel crawling down my back, that hate comes every day. What can you do? Why should you care? You don't and that's my point. Why should I even live, nobody even fucking cares. So honestly I don't care, I can live with nothing, watch me. I don't need anybody to love. I'm just trying to get by without completely combusting, will anybody saveme.

Unfortunate

I don't think people come to realize what's right infront of them. Wheather it's happiness, love, optimism, peace or paradise. I've always come to find myself gripping onto that pain so tight, that I'm not sure how to let go anymore. That one condition where only one person can get me out of it, myself. I try to be true, set goals for my far future, and let life take me in what ever direction desires. I always seem to fall into a place I'm not ment to be, where this terrible disaster occurs. Like somebody has to trigger the alarm, because, Earth to God, Veronica's found peace. Maybe I'm giving myself a hard time by letting things push through the seam, I lack the concern. And it just so seems that I've given up.

Without You

hear the ocean waves. let me hear myself for you. its the motion of my fingers, ask my voice. when i close my eyes i know i'm dreaming of you. let me know i close my eyes. i wouln't be here if it weren't for you. i know i'm dreamin' of you, but my hearts so cold, and these tears are real. the sky is breathing on your skin. motion of the clouds, they set the mood. listen to the beat as i fades. the farther that we all go. the shadows are my thoughts. you can see it all right through me. the birds flying around our heads. it always brings you back to the beginning. the bottom of it all. seal your lips with a thousand lies, a thousand secrets. your in your own world now. you fall, you crawl. your pouring out all youve got, but they dont accept it, they don't care. gripping the pain, this making melody. it's bursting out of me, we aren't alone we are never alone. what's it take to live again. can you see behind this shadow? see right through the pain in my eyes. i'm pouring out my heart. i won't forget you, i can never forget you. my hearts' sinking, all the time passes. all my pain, all the shame. it becomes a blurr. i can't pretend to; take the steps, run a little, burn the memories from your mind. your falling, bringing you to the bottom of it all. giving a speechless stare of the secret life. a life nobody knows of. letting out a single tear, becoming a breakown. you feel the liqid pouring from your eyes, down your face. May 28th, 2008

Quote

This bridge was written to make you feel smittener, with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer. Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy? I didn't think so but I'm still convinceable. Will you persist even after I bet you a billion dollars that I'll never love you. Will you persist even after I kiss you goodbye for the last time. Will you keep on trying to prove it? I'm dying to lose it. I want it, I want you. And if I had a star to wish on for my life I can't imagine I could do it.

Chapter Three

I have completely come to the bottom of this, and I have realized I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I can't figure it out; yes friends make me happy and hanging out and everything. But I really need more, not trying to be selfish here but honestly I do, I can't figure it out. Who will make me happy? What decision will be the best or even if it's going to be worth the pain that you cause me. I put up with so much, I help you with your problems and when you're sad. I'm here every second of your life, but it seems that it just doesn't even matter if I was here or not. If I just disappeared one night. Never told you I was leaving if that would even because the tinniest bit of pain for you or if you'd just move the next girl up on your top and start calling her. Who even knows anymore, if this is all worth my time? I'd like to think it is because i'm putting so much in to this. Dealing with girls and guys and everything and just sticking to it but then I think...i'm not getting anything back. It's like i'm just giving and giving and not getting one thing back. And I just don't understand if it's really worth the tears that I cry at night or waking up in the morning thinking about what happened last night. And how sad I felt hearing what she said or what you told her. I find out a lot, I can find it threw anyone and everyone. It's just not fair. Yes I know that in my past I have screwed up royally but, really? Do I deserve thinks I personally think no one does? Getting such hatrated from one fucking girl, for what? Helping you, making you happy, being here and not arguing. Well trying no to. I just don't think I can deal with it anymore. Like really. I'm waiting for a dream, which will never come true, just wishing on a star that was really an airplane. It's like I woke up one day and actually thought it was going to be better then the last, but really we all know in my life it keeps going down.We all know it and no one can anything about it; all you try to do to cheer me up by saying, "don't worry it can't get any worse." But what the fuck do you know. NOTHING! Exactly so stop trying to talk to me and tell me everything will be ok, because really it won't unless I just find one person that will stay with me forever. Like really someone that I know I can just run to for anything and no they won't just be like everything will be ok, they will spend the night with me and make sure i'm safe and won't do something I will regret later on in life. Like just fuck, I know i'm going to get fucked over in the end and I'll be the one that's stuck in the hole.